Mark Twain

Noteable Works: more
The Bible According to Mark Twain
The Diaries of Adam and Eve
Christian Science (Skeptic's Bookshelf)
The Outrageous Mark Twain: Some Lesser-Known but Extraordinary Works With "Reflections on Religion",
Mark Twain and the Bible

Mark Twain is a legendary American writer and humorist who pioneered the controversial antiestablishment style of many modern comedians. "'In God We Trust.' I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true."
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."
"Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast" [Reflections on Religion, 1906]
"O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it..." ["The War Prayer"]
"Man is a marvelous curiosity ... he thinks he is the Creator's pet ... he even believes the Creator loves him; has a passion for him; sits up nights to admire him; yes and watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to
him and thinks He listens. Isn't it a quaint idea." [Letters from the Earth]
"If there is a God, he is a malign thug." +


George Carlin
Notable Works: more
You Are All Diseased (audio cd): There is no God, Angels, Religion
Interview with Jesus, About God, My God's dick is huge (from various audio recordings that can be found on CD and on mp3 search engines)
Dogma (film) also see AE movies section 

Carlin is famous for his “7 dirty words” pieces and his upfront, mind expanding performances and has won four Grammys for his audio recordings. One of our most brilliant modern comedic talents.

From You Are All Diseased - "There is no God"
"But I want you to know something. This is sincere. I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago." more



Bill Hicks
Notable Works:
The Pope


Dinosaurs in the Bible

Christ's bogus adventure (from various audio recordings that can be found on CD and on mp3 search engines)
more in Real audio

The Late Bill Hicks was controversial and admired by many of his peers for his brutal honesty and no holds barred style. He was a friend of the band Tool as well as the inspiration for a few songs.

"[Our fans] will search him out. That's why we put the picture on the album [ÆNIMA] so they can get a wider idea. It helps people understand where we're coming from as well if they can get perspective like that. They'll get Bill's material and listen to what he's talking about, listen to our album, and then hopefully have enough intellect to make the leap and say "I see where he's coming from."" -Maynard Keenan of Tool

You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? more

Dennis Leary
Notable Works: Fuck the PopeLeary is a modern master of social satire rants and a great actor.
Woody Allen

Woody Allen is best known as a Director and Actor but is also a comedic talent.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank."
[Selections from the Allen Notebooks, in New Yorker (5 Nov. 1973)]

"As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held."
["The Early Essays," Without Feathers (1976)]

+ More quotes from Mark Twain and Woody Allen available in the Great Minds Section.