21 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

By Richard Lederer
  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

  7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

  9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter

  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

  17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

  18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

  19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

  20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

  21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

    10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
    9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
    8. Beer has never caused a major war.
    7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
    6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
    5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.
    4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.
    3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.
    2. You can prove you have a beer.
    1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.


Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -Anon.

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:


Latest Darwin Award nominees:

(the Darwin award, for those not familiar,
are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest
by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a
chance to breed).


Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    "Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
    Your eternally loving husband.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here."

University of Washington chemistry mid-term
- submitted by sting_au2000

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives of heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some varient.
One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.
Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student recieved the only "A" given.

"Yo Mama...!"

"Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way."

"Yo mama's so old, when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flick the switch."

"Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!"

"Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!"

"Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!"

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend homosexuality, for example, I will simply remind him or her that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other laws in Leviticus and Exodus and how to best follow them. To wit:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as stated in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how can I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine says that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Leviticus 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

A devoted listener

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If.....

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
Members knows how to play one.

People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000)
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
Bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding"

There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

*High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

The baptismal fount is a #2 galvanized washtub..

The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with
the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

There's a Time and Place for Skepticism

     During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic. 

     The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so." 

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go. 

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more. 

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free. 

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply. 

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

Priest and nun caught having sex in car!

(real news)

London | July 31, 2004 4:47:43 PM IST

A Catholic priest and nun were awarded a suspended six-month imprisonment with hard labour, after they were caught having sex in a tinted saloon car parked at Lilongwe International Airport, Malawi.

"It was a bizarre spectacle, the public alerted airport police after noticing the car shaking in a funny way," police spokesman Kelvin Maigwa told the BBC.

The pair, when taken to the court, pleaded guilty to the charge of indecent behaviour in a public. The nun told the magistrate she regretted her brief lapse in judgement, while the priest said that as a man of God he accepted Satan had tempted him.

The Magistrate though accepted their pleas in mitigation, but warned them saying that as servants of God they were the last to be expected to misbehave in public.

"I therefore sentence you to six months imprisonment with hard labour, but I will suspend it... because you have shown remorse," he was quoted as saying. (ANI)



10- You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.

9- You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt

8- You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity god

7- Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!

6- You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5- You are willing to spend your life looking for little loop-holes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.

4- You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving".

3- While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity.

2- You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1- You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a Christian

Top 5 Biblical Way to Acquire a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Shit happens.

If shit happens, it's not really shit.

If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Why does this shit always happen to us?

This shit happened before.

Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.

No shit.

Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.

There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.

Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Let's smoke this shit.

What is shit anyway?

This shit doesn't bother me.